Dawn Landes – Twilight – Fireproof

It took me a few gos to get this song’s lyrics down, I’ve grown lazy and it was the first time I’d not been able to find the lyrics through Google. I first heard it through achewood.com the other day and haven’t been able to get it out of my head since. It’s the current favourite on my itunes.

Love without anything. Not even a starry night. But it doesn’t matter; turn your head just right and the street becomes a sky. It kind of meets up with Follow the leader… the notion that you only need that other half and it won’t matter if you’re lost, if you have nothing, as long as you have each other.

I don’t know if I should feel sorry for myself that I also associate that floating emptiness with being on k. turn your head just right… street becomes a sky. The peaceful high and freedom I get from drugs is the only one I’ve had in what feels like years. I haven’t had love for such a long time. Not shared. Not that complicity, that sense of being one single entity. I’m reminded of it because recently V and I have been back in touch. I remember how things used to be between us, those four years spent together, and the year or so when we were truly the most symbiotic couple I have ever seen. Not in the most healthy way, but he was all I needed and I was all he needed. We’ve been seperated for a year and half now and sometimes I wonder if that was really what was meant to happen. But he goes on running around the globe, from country to country, and although every few months we speak and he begs me to give us another chance, please can we meet, we could go to Thailand for a couple of weeks, all of us like in the old days, or please bébé, just a few days you and me on our own in Taiwan, I won’t try to see your friends, I know you’re ashamed of me…
It’s so sad that he thinks I am ashamed or angry with him. I’m not. We had a beautiful time together. But we got broken during those six months in China and then we grew up. We were still kids when we met, only just 18… and now we’re six years down the line and things are different. Six years, that’s a quarter of our lives.

But he and I have grown up so different. He still lies and I can’t trust him. He claims to have cleaned up his act and there are no more drugs in his life, no hard ones anyway, and all the money he has is clean, apart from the money he made from the drugs, but that’s all in the past now, he’s clean he’s grown up well he’s not but he’s changed but he’s still the same…

I long for that day, the most perfect day of our whole relationship. June 2003. Laying in Russell Square park. MDMA and beer in our brains, Classic FM captured on a crappy walkman in our ears, the trees swaying in the blue, blue sky in our eyes. Hand in hand. My tummy goes all funny when I think of that day. I have photos. Yes, that day was so perfect that I even have photos. My beloved long red dreads, septum piercing askew. Him wearing my pink sunhat and his eyes so dark, his tiny dreadlock. I can feel the tears welling up.

We didn’t have much. We had each other and on the days where we were happy, those moments we shared… Oh V… I wish we could go back to that day. I wish I could let go of those memories and forget happiness with you. I wish that things hadn’t gone wrong when we left London. I wish we hadn’t ever gone back to London. I think of all those nights you spent alone, travelling all over and constantly starting over afresh. New Zealand and Australia, England and France, China and Japan, Lao and Thailand and Cambodia, you’re your own boy now. Not my little boy. Not my best friend. Not my brother. Not mine.

And yet the other night when I felt so low, you were the one I wished I could run to. Streaks of red vein your eyes… don’t you love twilight.

Another starless night
Another dim street light
Turn your head just right
The street becomes a sky
Shooting stars go by
They spark and they die
You see the reason why
You never catch the night
Dregs of lone tail-lights
Streaks of red vein the sky
But you love twilight

mm hmm

Oh love me with your body
I need one to hold
Oh love me with your body
I need one to hold
Tonight
In the long dim light
Streaks of red vein your eyes
Don’t you love twilight

Twilight
Twilight
Twilight
Twilight…

~ by orange on July 8, 2007.