Anna Nalick – Breathe (2 AM) – Wreck of the Day

Even though I’d only had 4 hours of sleep the previous night, I hadn’t slept a wink, after finding out about DD; I gave up on sleep around 4 am and went to the park where I smoked, drank, made friends with random strangers. I was practically hallucinating with tiredness as I dressed all in pink and prepared to meet my friends at 10am. We were all wearing pink, so we could support our school’s team at the Dragon Boat races. I hid beneath giant sunglasses and a wide-brimmed hat, but I was teetering on the brink and really shouldn’t have attempted to do anything that day.

I left after 3 hours of midday heat and blazing sunshine — I’m not suited to daytime-Taiwan in the summer — and collapsed on the bus in a sweaty, exhausted mess. I plugged in my iPod to shut out the noise of the idiots around me and this one came on almost immediately. I listened to it on repeat until I hit Da’an, where I decided to get off the bus and go see U.

DD. and I might not have had such difficulties (who am I kidding? but it added tension) if I hadn’t become pregnant within days of us hooking up. As I watched the test turn pink (more pink!), I knew that this was all wrong. He and I needed to stop. But I couldn’t afford the abortion, and even if I could, I couldn’t do this by myself; the last time was so traumatic. I was so torn. I was caught in something that was just… so awful… he was the wrong person for me and I knew it…

Everything sorts itself out eventually. One day at a time, just breathe. In the end it was sorted, aborted, he was there for me, albeit not as supportive as he could have been but he was as good as I suppose one can expect for someone as selfish as he is.

And so Anna Nalick’s lyrics reminded me how I’d gotten through that and I’d get through this. Just breathe. You can’t rewind, so carefully untangle the knots as best you can and keep moving.
There was a line that struck me particularly. I’d sobbed to Gray how I was just repeating the same mistakes as I always did, same as I did with M. How I thought I’d made progress but it was all the same story all over again.
There’s a light at each end of this tunnel, you shout
‘Cause you’re just as far in as you’ll ever be out
These mistakes you’ve made, you’ll just make them again
If you only try turning around.
I’m still making the same mistakes, still turning around over and over, particularly with S. at the moment. Maybe one day I’ll learn.

2am and she calls me ’cause I’m still awake,
“Can you help me unravel my latest mistake?
I don’t love him. Winter just wasn’t my season”
Yeah we walk through the doors, so accusing their eyes
Like they have any right at all to critisize,
Hypocrites, you’re all here for the very same reason

But you can’t jump the track,we’re like cars on a cable
and life’s like an hourglass, glued to the table
No one can find the rewind button, girl.
So cradle your head in your hands
And breathe, just breathe

In May he turned 21 on the base at Fort Bliss
“Just a day,” he said down to the flask in his fist,
“Ain’t been sober, since maybe October of last year.”
And here in town you can tell he’s been down for a while,
But, my God, it’s so beautiful when the boy smiles,
Wanna hold him. maybe I’ll just sing about it.

But you can’t jump the track, we’re like cars on a cable,
And life’s like an hourglass, glued to the table.
No one can find the rewind button, boy
So cradle your head in your hands,
And breathe, just breathe

There’s a light at each end of this tunnel, you shout
‘Cause you’re just as far in as you’ll ever be out
These mistakes you’ve made, you’ll just make them again
If you only try turning around.

2 AM and I’m still awake, writing a song
If I get it all down on paper, its no longer
inside of me, threatening the life it belongs to
And I feel like I’m naked in front of the crowd
‘Cause these words are my diary, screaming out loud
And I know that you’ll use them, however you want to

But you can’t jump the track, we’re like cars on a cable,
And life’s like an hourglass, glued to the table
No one can find the rewind button, now
So cradle your head in your hands
and breathe, just breathe

~ by orange on June 26, 2007.