Julie Delpy – A Waltz For A Night – Before Sunset Soundtrack

Let me sing you a waltz
Out of nowhere, out of my thoughts
Let me sing you a waltz
About this one night stand

You were for me that night
Everything I always dreamt of in life
But now you’re gone
You are far gone
All the way to your island of rain

It was for you just a one night thing
But you were much more to me
Just so you know

I hear rumors about you
About all the bad things you do
But when we were together alone
You didn’t seem like a player at all

I don’t care what they say
I know what you meant for me that day
I just want another try
I just want another night
Even if it doesn’t seem quite right
You meant for me much more
Than anyone I’ve met before

One single night with you little Jesse
Is worth a thousand with anybody

I have no bitterness, my sweet
I’ll never forget this one night thing
Even tomorrow, in other arms
My heart will stay yours until I die

Let me sing you a waltz
Out of nowhere, out of my blues
Let me sing you a waltz
About this lovely one night stand

This was the song that triggered the worst, longest-lasting infatuation I’ve ever been cursed with. A few months ago I would have written pages about how symbolic it was, how we listened to it together and my heart simultaneously broke. About how miserable and lovelorn I was, whilst crying into my keyboard. I would probably have written it up sooner or later, in fact, but S has made a mini-comeback and just now this song came on and suddenly I’m smiling at my foolish ways. When I celebrate my 24th birthday in a few weeks, I’ll be also celebrating a whole year since I smiled goodbye to him in front of Bahrain airport, and it has taken so long… but now I feel like my heart is my own again. Of course I still care, but not like I did when I sat in the airport lounge sobbing behind my dark glasses. My 23rd birthday was a rollercoaster, and I reached hitherto unknown hights, only to crash spectacularly for the whole of the following 10 months. Sure there were ups and downs, but mainly downs, and so many of the highs were artificially induced…

Now the ball is in my court. I am still teetering on the brink, hesitating about how to respond, hoping that he will suddenly swoop in and carry me off, but in reality I finally know better. Not because I have understood that he won’t do it — deep down I can never stop hoping! — but because I have realised that he isn’t right for me, and even if he did, it wouldn’t work. Things with DD have proven that no matter how well you get on with someone, sometimes it just doesn’t work out.

---

I write this a week or so later. I’ve slipped back into the mindset it took me so long to escape from. I found my scribblings from the airport that night, as I sat in the lounge and tasted my tears and tried to process what I was going through.

i can’t believe it. i still can’t believe this last couple of hours. to be precise, i can’t believe that moment when he turned his head towards me and said, have you seen that movie, set in paris, with that actor, ah what’s his name, and that french actress, she sings this song –
– and at that point i sit straight up, julie delpy? you mean, that song –
– yes! julie delpy
– a waltz for a kiss or something?
– yeah yeah, you know it?

oh my god. do i know it. until that moment i was fine. things would have been fine. but you killed it, you killed it…
– i have it on my ipod. i love that song.
– you have it? can we listen to it?
– do you want to make me cry?
– s’ok, come and cry here
– you sure? julie delpy yeah?
– yes i’m sure

then we lay, an earphone each, in each other’s arms, and kissed a kiss that lasted the whole song, as i gradually dissolved into tears, never stopped kissing, smily through my tears, smiling through my kiss

– what’s all this about? he smiled and wiped my wet cheeks with his fingers
– it’s just so weird, because the only reason i have this song is because it reminds me of you, because [oh my god this is so fucking incredible, nobody would believe it, i'm trembling at the thought of it] i’m not sad, it’s just surreal
– it reminds me of you too. and now we’ve sealed it with a kiss. i just want you to know, i wasn’t just using you… aw don’t cry, why are you still crying?
– just, it’s so weird so surreal. that you should ask me for this song.

and it is. it’s so surreal.

trouble maker
he called me a trouble maker.

the thing is, i don’t even “love” him. it’s something else.

– you know it wouldn’t feel like this if we were moving towards a relationship
– i know, and, it’s not even that i want it to be a relationship it’s that i, i’ve never felt like this, i’ve never felt so comfortable with someone before, i’ve never felt this way before. i’ve never had sex like this before either. that’s why it’s so weird.

you were so much more to me just so you know

what we have is special
and
if
if
if we never see each other again

and he goes off and marries her
it doesn’t matter.

Where did it go wrong? Why did I start wanting more?

---

And so it goes, cyclical perhaps, but I am gently, gently breaking away from the spell he set on me. It’s a week since I wrote the above, two weeks since I wrote what came before that… I’m feeling so much stronger. You know, I really do feel like we could just be friends. Not ignoring each other, not winding each other up. Just friends. I’m getting there.

~ by orange on June 23, 2007.